tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2237093132357737255.post7248434133663863089..comments2023-11-05T07:11:49.007-05:00Comments on Bluesman: The AVENGERS: Red in Your LedgerMark Freerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06998685259829971850noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2237093132357737255.post-10118351531737341742013-05-12T11:49:07.638-04:002013-05-12T11:49:07.638-04:00Every waking day, I'm reminded of the "re...Every waking day, I'm reminded of the "red in my ledger" and rightfully so. I've regret what I've done and take full responsibility for my actions. I wish I could face the people I've disappointed and hurt along the way, and just pure out my heart to them; genuinely apologizing for the way I've treated them. <br /><br />I know that they won't forgive me, as I'm the last person on earth they'd want to see; ever! I'm ashamed of myself and too ashamed to face them. It goes without saying that I've lost friends and respect. I've spoken to God about this daily, weekly, monthly; it's been years and I still feel the weight of my sin. In my mind, I thought I was this nice person; I fooled myself and others. I wasn't a nice person back then; not even close! What a fool I was! <br /><br />Confessing to God in lieu of apologizing to the people I've sinned against is not a substitute or a panacea; I'm keenly aware of this. That would be a complete cop out as well as disserve to those who deserve an apology from me. It doesn't help matters that some of these people, friends and family, have spread this news all over town, in the hopes of destroying me. <br /><br />The gossip surrounding me is nonstop, I've had my car vandalized, and this has also affected my livelihood as well; black balled from my profession. I've relocated several times in hopes of starting over, but to no avail. No matter how hard I've tried to change and to be a better person; my reputation not only follows me, but it proceeds me.<br /><br />I've heard it said that "while our sins may not necessarily send us to hell, our sins can "put us through hell." I kid you not, I feel like garbage. I feel mentally and physically drained; just overwhelmed at times. I've actually considered suicide as a means of relief, but knowing my luck I'd go straight to hell. It's like a form of psychological warfare against me, to completely destroy me. I'm genuinely sorry for what I've done, I'm confused, overwhelmed, tired, ashamed; I can't forgive myself, even if I tried. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com