Every time you think "homeland security" can't get more ridiculous, it gets more ridiculous.
There have been plenty of examples already showing that large amounts
of your tax money supposedly earmarked for the "War on Terror" end up
getting used for purposes that are, shall we say, less than
mission-critical. Back in 2006,
we learned
that $25 million in homeland-security money had been handed out in just
one grant program with no controls at all, which resulted in $77,000
going to local fire departments to fund "puppet and clown shows," and
another $22,000 for an "educational robot." An Indiana county
got in trouble
for using its $300,000 Electronic Emergency Message Boards, intended to
notify the public about things like evacuation routes, to advertise the
volunteer fire department's charity fish fry. This is just the local
stuff, not counting the umpteen billions spent on
naked scanners that don't do any good.
Also, the war in Iraq.
Still, it is something special when a homeland-security grant is used to buy a snow-cone machine.
This'll refresh those terrorist bastards.
(Picture: Daily News/Elisabeth Waldon)
Actually,
thirteen snow-cone machines, one for every county in
Michigan Homeland Security Region 6.
Region 6, as you almost certainly don't know, covers 13 counties in
western Michigan including Clare, Isabella, Montcalm, Muskegon, Newaygo,
and other areas also near the very top of al-Qaeda's hit list.
According to the
Greenville Daily News,
the Board of Commissioners in Montcalm noted that they had been
presented with a snow-cone machine, and while they probably appreciated
this unexpected gift, they did inquire as to whether the $900
treat-maker was an appropriate use of homeland-security dollars.
(Apparently, another county - anonymous for now - requested the machine,
and somebody thought that was such a good idea that all 13 counties got
one.)
The Daily News was able to confirm that the the snow-cone machines
were funded by a grant from the Michigan Homeland Security Program, but
nobody seems to have had a good answer for the "appropriate use"
question, surprisingly enough. Two ways to go in that situation: (1)
admit it was a mistake or a bad decision, and fix it; or (2) insist that
yes, there
is an entirely valid purpose for incorporating an Arctic Blast Sno-Cone machine into your anti-terrorism plan.
“It is used to attract people so they can be educated and prepared
for homeland security,” [Sandeep] Dey said from his office in Muskegon.
“More importantly, they (homeland security officials) felt in a medical
emergency the machine was capable of making ice packs which could be
used for medical purposes.”
You didn't really think anybody would pick Option One, did you?
Dey is the executive director of the
West Michigan Shoreline Regional Development Commission,
which oddly is in charge of Homeland Security Region 6. He did not
dream up these explanations just now, though, because they are the same
ones contained in the state grant program's "Allowable Cost
Justification" form that was filed back in May. According to the Daily
News, that document (which sadly was not available online) says the
machines would be used to "make ice to prevent heat-related illnesses
during emergencies, treat injuries and provide snow cones as an outreach
at promotional events."
The director did try to do a little damage control, apparently
feeling a little heat-related stress himself at that point. "He said the
... request would not have been granted by itself, but was approved
because it came with other homeland security equipment." I'm not sure
what that means. Maybe with every dozen radiation detectors you buy,
they throw in a free snow-cone machine? Dey also contended, evidently,
that they are budget-conscious and making the hard choices, saying that
"one county requested a popcorn machine, but that request was denied."
Because that would just be ridiculous.
"I don't like the term 'snow-cone machine,' because it sounds
horrible," said Montcalm County Emergency Services Director David
Feldpausch about the term that appears right on the side of the machine.
"When you look at it as an ice-shaving machine and its purpose, it
makes a little more sense." With Option Two thus in full effect,
Feldpausch had one more argument. According to the report, "Feldpausch
[also] said the machine could be useful at the scene of a large fire."
To be fair, I don't think he meant to be taken literally there.
Obviously you'd have to combine the full power of all 13 Arctic Blast
Ice-Shaving Anti-Terror Machines to deal with a really
large fire. The good news is that Region 6 is now equipped to handle that. And terrorism.
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