The last dictionary definition of edge is "the verge or brink as of a condition". This is a reference to a mental or emotional condition when someone is on the brink of some kind of breakdown. I was never much of a student in school and to be honest the last thing I’d ever thought of doing was teaching or writing, but that’s what I do. I really appreciate the fact that God gives gifts to people because I know that whatever I’m able to do is a gift of God’s grace to me. The apostle said, "By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect" (1Cor.15:10). As I look over my life I know that any good thing in me comes by the grace of God. In my childhood you might have thought I was accident prone. I had 2 head concussions playing baseball, I was knocked out by being hit in the back of the head by a batter (I was the catcher) and one concussion playing hockey. I was the goalie because I couldn’t ice skate, so they stuck me in goal and I would wear my catchers mask, chest protector and shin guards. I was trying to clear a puck when a good-sized kid about 5 yrs. older knocked me down and I fell straight backward, hitting my head on the ice. The doctor told me I had to stop getting hit in the back of the head, the next time there might be permanent damage, I’m not so sure there needed to be a next time. This was followed by my geeky high school days where I was over-weight and with short hair and huge ears, nicknamed Dumbo. Add to that my drug fueled hippie days and combine that with playing Blues music. I know I’m only alive because of the grace of God. I’ll give you one example, I had a 1965 red Mustang with a 289, four-barrel carb, 4 speed stick. I would take LSD and drive at very high speeds down 8 Mile Road or out in the country, imagining that I was one with the car, my hand being part of the shifter, my feet connected to the gas pedal and the clutch, hallucinating as I drove. After my drug daze, Jesus found me and saved me. I then went through the difficult season of being a young Christian, you know having zeal without knowledge (always dangerous). I went through the crazy charismatics, the fanatical faith movement, the radical Christian school movement, the radical pro-life movement but by far the thing that was the most detrimental to my life, family and ministry was learning about grace. I began preaching the grace of God as understood by the great reformers and all hell broke loose. This is where I learned the truth that Christians can be the meanest people on the face of the earth. Everything in my life crumbled but out of it I have learned the sweetest truths I know. I learned the truth Joseph did, "You meant it for evil but God meant it for good". I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I also have continued to play and listen to Blues music because it touches me deeply, in fact at the end of most Sunday services, we break into a Blues song I’ve written or a Blues jam. I also enjoy movies, one of my all time favorites is Tombstone with Kirk Russell and Val Kilmer. I’ve seen this movie many times and if I find it playing on cable t.v. I’ll always stop and watch some of it, to the point of knowing much of the dialogue by heart. Every Tombstone fan will know this line— "I’m your Huckleberry".
I realized awhile ago that I would never be a typical pastor, I would never appeal to great masses of people or win any popularity contests, be embraced by the religious right or left, the emerging church, the church growth crowd, the faith/prosperity crowd, or most major denominations because one of things God developed in me through my crazy background is a real awareness for the phony and the insincere. It’s what Hemingway called a "built-in, shock proof crap detector". Let’s be honest, regardless of what church you belong to there’s a lot of insincerity and phoniness (you know– crap), which is one of the things that puts me on the edge.
This letter was written after 2 days of a strong flu virus that still has me reeling, I haven’t felt this bad in a long time, and a family crisis that was rather maddening. It’s always much harder to deal with family issues when you have the flu, I don’t recommend it. Oh well I’m going to watch "Lost" now and see if I can figure out when the world will end. The bottom line was best expressed in one of my favorite Bob Dylan songs called Saving Grace,"I put all confidence in Him, my sole protection is the saving grace that’s over me". Thanks Bob.
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