The Twin Theologians and the Evil Opie Conspiracy

Dear Theological Duo: As a big fan of both Jesus and Tom Hanks, I can’t decide if I should see “The Da Vinci Code” and the sequel coming out in May, ”Angels and Demons.” Can you give me a good theological argument for boycotting these films? — Jim Wainscott, Tempe, AZ

Maurice: I hear you, Jimbo. It’s hard to boycott a Tom Hanks movie, even when it’s questioning the validity of Biblical Christianity. Seems a shame to let any pesky allegiance to truth stand in the way of watching a good thriller about conspiracy theories within Christendom.

Emmett: On the contrary, Maurice. I happen to have my own conspiracy theory about these movies that I hope makes Jim think twice about buying a theater ticket. I’m talking, of course, about the secret ”Evil Opie” cabal I recently uncovered.

Maurice: Evil Opie?

Emmett: That’s right. As you may know, the director of The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons is Ron Howard, a former child actor who played Opie Taylor on The Andy Griffith Show in the 1960s. For anyone who saw the satanic overtones of this boy’s depraved behavior on that show, it should give any God-fearing moviegoer second thoughts about seeing Opie’s films.

Maurice: Wow. I’m surprised Floyd the barber didn’t find 666 etched on the boy’s scalp while trimming his devil-red hair.

Emmett: You mock, Maurice, but I have documented proof. Case in point: Episode 64 titled “Opie’s Rival” that originally aired December 3, 1962. Little Opie becomes jealous of Andy’s new girlfriend, Peggy, and precedes to blatantly sabotage their relationship with cunning trickery. I get a chill down my spine just thinking about the sinister look in Opie’s eyes when he purposely loses a note from Peggy that he was supposed to give to Andy.

Maurice: Not to mention the other episodes where we witness Opie kill a mother bird, lie about his school grades, and later form a teen rock band.

Emmett: Exactly. Is this the kind of person that we can trust to produce proper Hollywood entertainment about Christianity for Christians? I think not. Boycott this film, Jim, before the ungodly influence of Evil Opie spreads any further.

Maurice: Aunt Bea must be rolling in her grave.

Emmett: I doubt it. She was part of the Mayberry Illuminati.

Maurice: Oh, good grief…

Emmett: This is serious stuff, Maurice. By exposing the “Evil Opie” connection, my life is now in extreme danger. Do you think it was a coincidence that Don Knotts died just months before the Da Vinci Code film came out?

Maurice: You mean… ?

Emmett: That’s right. Barney Fife knew too much.

Maurice: ‘Nuff said, Emmett… You better nip it. Nip it in the bud.

From Sacred Sandwich