In an attempt to combat a severe drop in attendance every time their popular preacher goes on vacation, Marina Bay Community Church made the shocking announcement that they have cloned their longtime pastor, Rev. Spencer Klagg. To make this possible, Marina Bay enlisted the help of RevClone, a new Christian cloning facility in Southern California dedicated to multiplying the current pool of dynamic preaching celebrities.
“As a cutting-edge mega church, we’re always looking for innovative ways to grow our church, and DNA duplication just seemed like a no-brainer,” explained church spokesman and elder, Clarence Ambrose. “Statistically our lowest Sunday attendance is when Pastor Klagg is on vacation and our associate pastor, Raymond Elliot, fills in. No offense to Raymond, but the people think Pastor Klagg’s monologue jokes are just plain funnier than Raymond’s prop comedy.”
By cloning their pastor, Marina Bay hopes to fill their 3,000 seat auditorium every Sunday, whether the original Pastor Klagg is in the pulpit or not. During those times when Klagg is taking time off, his clone will perform the pastoral duties in his stead, assuring the congregation of no interruption in enjoying their pastor’s unique spiritual gifts. “Not to mention keeping the weekly offering at the same high level as the attendance,” Ambrose added.
Not all church members, however, are pleased with the cloning of Pastor Klagg. Herm Tayback, a deacon for twenty years, is a vocal critic of the RevClone project. “Am I the only one creeping out over this? Last week the pastor was performing a wedding while his clone was back home mowing his lawn. I mean, are we gaining a spare pastor or giving Mrs. Klagg another husband to take out the garbage?” Tayback also worries about possible theological ramifications. “Hey, I’ve seen those science fiction movies where the clone slowly goes insane because of a missing chromosome. What happens if Klagg’s twin loses his mind and starts preaching on sin and repentance? Good grief, we could lose half the congregation! In fact, I’ve shared these concerns with Pastor Klagg. At least I think I was talking to Pastor Klagg… Ooo, did anyone else just get a chill down their back?”
Regardless of the criticism, RevClone’s head scientist Farnsworth Diddle is quite proud of his work with Marina Bay, and he envisions a wide application for this new cloning technology. “Just think… churches won’t just use Rick Warren’s teachings, now they can hire a Rick Warren clone as their pastor.” Deacon Tayback disagrees. “Don’t we have enough Rick Warren clones in churches already?”
All in all, Ambrose says Marina Bay is very pleased with the initial reaction to their new genetically-created pastor. “Attendance has never been better,” he reported happily. “But if we ever start losing folks, we’re not worried. Our contingency plan is to start cloning the congregation, too. Doesn’t science work in mysterious ways?”
From Sacred Sandwich
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